Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Short Trip to the Dark Side of the Moon

Too much of anything is a bad thing.
It applies to altruism as much as it applies to selfishness. It applies to love as much as it applies to fear. It's valid for food, water, possessions, friends... It applies to everything. Except maybe Ideas. I haven't decided about that one yet. But basically, when you have too much of a good thing, life becomes a jealous *beach* (no profanity! ;P) and snatches it away with just a "HA!". And life skips merrily away leaving you stomping the floor purple-faced.

I haven't written any blog in a long time because I had too much to say. Too many feelings to express that I decided to suppress them instead. Too many conflicting thoughts tormenting my brain. I started writing posts many times but ended up deleting them because I could see no value in them. Not that I want to keep this optimistic image or anything but whatever I had wasn't constructive in any way. It was quite destructive actually.

I was hurt, and I needed to be understood. I wanted to express myself but could not articulate my state of mind. It was frustrating but I was too close to the situation to write about it. I buried myself into my work instead, hoping to channel that excess energy into something productive. It so happened that I got assigned a big chunk of an ambitious project at that point, so it worked out. I worked overtime more days than I can remember and I don't regret it. I got lots done.

I tried talking to people, but as usual it barely helps. Most people just tell me things I already know. Most people feel like they have to talk, and give advice. Barely anyone ever listens. Active listening is a skill that unfortunately too few people have. We tend to bring other people's problems back to ourselves or just throw off random advice without much thought sometimes.

I find writing more efficient than talking because I know that, in the end, the only one who can make you feel better is yourself. It just requires a lot of will and hard work. Writing things down helps make sense of it all and understanding. If I understand, I feel somewhat understood. Then I don't need people to understand. And then I can independently feel better.

One advice I had was to stop caring. If you don't care, you don't hurt. I considered it. I know it works, and I know a lot of people go by that rule. But it's just not me. When I do something, I wanna be fully into it. I feel happiness 100% when I'm happy. And when I'm hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, whatever it is, I let myself feel it 100% too. Some might think it's stupid or that I'm hurting myself but I think I'm actually accelerating the healing process that way. I think that once you've reached your pain limit, things just automatically get better anyway.

After weeks of internal debate, frustration, anger, confusion, despise, tears, malnutrition and all sorts of negative things, I've come to terms with my current situation. I'm slowly finding myself being able to function normally again. I wouldn't say the chapter is over, but I'd say we're past the climax and things start to settle down a bit, within the aftermath. I'm making conscious efforts to become the person I used to be and love being. A rather sociable, optimistic, motivated, independent and happy person. I'm not too too far, yet it feels far enough.

Part of me doesn't want to publish this post. When I was a kid, I used to feel the pressure to appear strong, always, because I physically looked stronger than all the skinny chicks around. This has made me quite resilient over time. I hate showing any sign of weakness. I always show my pain after I've dusted myself off the floor first. And given my urge to express myself, I became pretty good at getting back to my feet quick no matter what. A friend once told me "suffering is private". I didn't understand its meaning much until now. But I have never feared being judged by people and I won't start now.

On a somewhat brighter note, this version of the song makes Rihanna sound 10 times better than usual. The chorus is BS. No one likes lies. But somehow I like that song.

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